Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 20
[At the radio station.]
KIKI: Ethylene, how are you? How’s Up With Farmers coming?
ETHYLENE: Not very well. They threw rotten fruit at us yesterday at Chapel Hill High School.
KIKI: Kids that age can be cruel.
ETHYLENE: It was the teachers, actually.
KIKI: Barbarians. You’re just in time to hear me do a radio interview for the basketball team. Ethylene, Chip, this is Matthew Laurance. He’ll be co-host of the show, along with Bob Harris. Bob is in back getting his hair teased and sprayed. Matthew, this is my cousin Ethylene and my friend Chip.
ETHYLENE: Omigosh, aren’t you the guy from Beverly Hills 90210?
LAURANCE (smiling): Why yes I am, little lady. Are you a fan?
ETHYLENE: No. You will burn in he l l for that show! The fornication. The lying. The cleavage. The slapping. …
LAURANCE: Hey stop it, you’re getting me hot.
KIKI: Um, why don’t we move on into the studio.
[A minute later, in the studio]
LAURANCE: Chip and Ethel …
ETHYLENE: Ethylene.
LAURANCE: Whatever … why don’t you two sit here on the couch until the interview is finished. Oh, here’s Bob. Hair looks great, Bob. Bob, I’d like you to meet Kiki, our guest for today. And this is Kiki’s friend Chip and her cousin Merlene …
ETHYLENE: Ethylene.
HARRIS: Great to meet you folks. Kiki, you’re our representative Crazy for today. I’ll ask you the usual Crazy stuff. I’m sure you know to mention Coach K’s book, right?
KIKI: Yes.
HARRIS: And to avoid foul language, even when quoting K. And to try and emphasize the unique brilliance and clever jocularity of the Crazies as much as possible.
LAURANCE: Jocularity! Jocularity!
KIKI: Will do, Bob.
[on the air, midway through the half-hour show]
HARRIS: Gosh, what a delightful guest you are Kiki. If all Crazies were as charming and good looking as you, I’d go down to Kville more often.
KIKI: Thanks Bob.
HARRIS: A LOT more often.
KIKI: Um, thanks.
HARRIS: Yessirrree. How old are you anyway, Kiki?
LAURANCE: Bob.
HARRIS: Say, why don’t we bring you’re attractive cousin into the conversation.
[Look of panic on Kiki’s and Laurance’s faces]
LAURANCE: Um … are you sure we’ve got time Bob?
KIKI: Yeah, she’s kinda shy …
HARRIS: Nonsense. Put on those headphones little lady and tell us you’re name.
ETHYLENE: Ethylene.
HARRIS: Ethylene, lovely name. It’s Latvian, right?
LAURANCE: I’m guessing Serbian.
HARRIS: Or Crustacean.
ETHYLENE: No, no. It’s American.
HARRIS: Tell us Ethylene, are you a Crazy?
ETHYLENE: Oh, heavens no. I’m just visiting from Kansas. KU.
HARRIS: Roy Williams is doing great things out there at KU. How do you Kansans feel about Duke basketball?
ETHYLENE: Frankly, we in America's heartland are pretty sick of the ACC, and of all you easterners.
HARRIS: Oh. Why is that?
ETHYLENE: It's just that all we ever hear on ESPN is ‘Tobacco Road’ this, and ‘Duke’ that. We try to spread the good word of Roy and KU, but we’re constantly undermined by the national media.
HARRIS: Do tell.
ETHYLENE: But we think we have discovered a solution to the cultural contamination problem posed by ESPN.
HARRIS: What’s that?
ETHYLENE: A computer program that filters out words from television broadcasts. It’s very inexpensive and easy to use. We are very close to persuading the Kansas state legislature to enact a law requiring that all Kansas TV stations and cable networks use the filter on college basketball broadcasts, to filter out references to the ACC and Duke.
LAURANCE: That's ridiculous! You'll never get that passed.
ETHYLENE: Oh yeah? We got rid of the Theory of Evolution; we can get rid of the ACC. At least for Kansans. Frankly we don't like your citified, eastern ways. I'm just so thankful we have a coach whose strongest curse word is "dadgummit," with the occasional "Jiminy Crickets." Besides, I don't see how you people can cheer for any team whose mascot is Satan.
HARRIS: Actually, the Blue Devils were an elite French army unit in World War I …
ETHYLENE: Just because the French worship Satan doesn't mean Duke University should too.
[Awkward silence. Harris and Laurance fumble nervously. Kiki stands up, moves away from the microphone, and makes a hurried call on her cell phone.]
ETHYLENE: I carry a book of quotations from Coach Roy for inspiration, along with my bible of course. I think it would be good for your listeners to hear a few of them. Here’s a good one. “I’m as corny as the day is long …”
[Harris and Laurance sit dumbfounded as Ethylene reads one Roy Williams quote after another.]
Tomorrow: Has Ethylene ruined Kiki’s first big assignment for K?
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PART 21
[At the radio station. Ethylene continues reading Roy Williams quotations over the air as Kiki completes her cell phone call, and returns to the microphone with a look of determination on her face.]
ETHYLENE (still quoting Roy): “… It sounds corny but that's the way Roy Williams is." [sniff] That one always makes me cry, Bob.
KIKI: Ethylene, I’m curious. Is that a Kansas thing? Referring to yourself in the third person like that? I notice Bob Dole does it too.
ETHYLENE: Well Kiki, I don’t know …
KIKI: It gives me an idea. A contest for your listeners, Bob. We will provide two months of free pizza in Kville for the Cameron Crazy who can find the most quotations in which Roy Williams refers to himself in the third person.
HARRIS: We will?
KIKI: Yes, we will Bob. We’ll call them “Third person Royisms,” and you score one point for each Third Person Royism you find.
[Laurance elbows Harris, and nods affirmatively.]
HARRIS: Um … great idea Kiki. So the Crazies have to find examples where Roy says “Roy” instead of “I” or “me”.
KIKI: Yes.
HARRIS: Like Don King. Or Elmo on Sesame Street.
KIKI: Exactly.
LAURANCE: Or Homey the Clown!
KIKI: What?
LAURANCE: Homey the Clown is always saying, ‘Homey don’t play that.’
[Everyone else in the studio stares blankly at Laurance]
KIKI: And Bob, why don’t we offer another prize – free pizza again – to the crazy who can come up with the most quotations in which Roy – let’s make it anyone from KU -- describes “Roy” as corny. We’ll call those “Corny Royisms.”
ETHYLENE: What?!
KIKI: You know, as in “I’m sorry. It may sound corny but we don’t believe in murder here at Kansas.” Or, “You may think it’s corny, but we think kindness is good.” That sort of thing.
HARRIS: So, for example, if Roy said, “Dadgummit, I’m sorry, but Roy Williams is jes’ plain corny,” you could use that sentence in both contests, right? That would be a Third Person Royism AND a “Corny Royism,” if I am not mistaken.
KIKI: Exactly!
ETHYLENE: You people will burn.
LAURANCE: C’mon Crazies, go find those Royisms! How hard can it be? I’ve never seen Roy step in front of a microphone when he DIDN’T say something like that.
HARRIS: Time to scour the internet and the newspapers and win some free pizza! Get your entries in before tipoff of the Stetson game, and we’ll announce the winner at halftime. Here’s how to submit your entries. Go to our web site …
[Ethylene frowns. Quiet high fives for Kiki as Harris wraps up the show.]
CHIP (whispering in Kiki’s ear): Great save!
[Later, walking out of the radio station toward Kiki’s Escalade]
KIKI: Ethylene, what are you doing? I’m responsible for promoting Duke basketball, not tearing it down. Lots of people listen to that show and now my reputation is ensmirched … or whatever.
ETHYLENE: He asked me a question! I cannot tell a lie. Besides, your coach IS a blasphemer.
LAURANCE: Hey, wait up! Kiki! Lurelene!
ETHYLENE: It’s Ethylene.
LAURANCE: Right. Sorry. Listen, Ethylene. No hard feelings back there?
ETHYLENE: Certainly not. Only God can judge.
LAURANCE: Or make a tree, right?
[Laurance laughs loudly; more blank stares]
LAURANCE: So what are you two doing for dinner?
KIKI: I’ve got to go meet my new tent mates. Then I’m having dinner with Wojo.
LAURANCE: Are you free Ethylene?
ETHYLENE: Dinner with you? You’ve fornicated on TV.
LAURANCE: I’d really like to hear more about Up With Farmers. And Kansas. … And The Word … from Coach Roy, I mean.
[Kiki looks suspiciously at Laurance]
ETHYLENE: Well, I guess Jesus went to the lepers, didn’t he?
LAURANCE: I really wouldn’t know. Is that a yes?
ETHYLENE: All right.
KIKI: OK, Ethylene. But let’s meet my dorm room at 8:00, OK? Then I’ll take you back to your hotel from there.
LAURANCE: I’ll make sure she gets there.
Next week: The final week of Kiki. How many Royisms will the Crazies find? Play along at home! Are Matthew’s intentions toward Ethylene honorable? Will Kiki and Wojo ever consummate their lust?
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PART 22
[Early evening. Kiki and Wojo walking through west campus after dinner.]
KIKI: Thanks for dinner Woje. I’ve never eaten at that particular Steak and Ale before. It was superb.
WOJO: Yes. Their surf and turf is excellent. And I love those mini marshmallows on the salad bar.
[Silence. Kiki takes Wojo’s arm.]
KIKI: I love the Gothic Wonderland in the evening. It’s so romantic. I like the way the evening light reflects off of all the different colored beemers.
WOJO: Yeah. Sometimes late at night I go to the Bryan Center, and sneak into one of the big auditoriums, and pretend I’m Coach K giving a speech to a large corporate crowd.
KIKI: That’s so cute.
WOJO: Yeah. I always get a fictional standing ovation and a curtain call. With lighters and everything. …
KIKI: And a suitcase full of cash …
WOJO: Listen, Kiki. About last night.
KIKI: Yes?
WOJO: I’m sorry about the interruption. I hope you understand …
KIKI: Not a problem. I realize that you have to be available 24-7. That’s a good thing. It means you have a very important job. Like a doctor … or a priest … or campus security.
WOJO: I just wanted you to know that … Never mind.
KIKI: What? What is it?
WOJO: That you look really good with no clothes on.
KIKI: Thanks. I’m downright religious about my pilates.
[Silence.]
KIKI: Hey, there’s that guy we met the other day, standing outside that sorority party. Big Jim. Why is he walking back and forth holding up two fingers?
WOJO: He’s … um … probably trying to scalp two tickets to the Stetson game.
KIKI: Strange. I didn’t realize those tickets were in such demand.
WOJO: [nervous laugh]
KIKI: Oh, here’s my dorm. Listen, I have to take my cousin back to her hotel. But …
WOJO: Yes?
KIKI: Maybe you can come along, and then we can come back to my room and … pick up where we left off.
WOJO: What about you’re roommate?
KIKI: She’s away all night.
WOJO: Well then … Meeerowww.
KIKI: What?
WOJO: I mean … hubba-hubba.
KIKI: Is that a yes?
WOJO: Yes.
[Entering Kiki’s dorm room.]
KIKI: Ethylene? … Ethylene? Hmmm. She should have been here by now. Matthew said he’d have her here by 8:00.
WOJO: Kiki, you shouldn’t trust Matthew with your cousin. He’s an actor. Sort of.
KIKI: I know, but you don’t know Ethylene. She’s tough. She can look out for herself. Just the same, I’d better call her hotel.
[on the phone]
ETHYLENE: Hello?
KIKI: Ethylene. Good, you’re at the hotel. How did it go?
ETHYLENE: Not bad. Matthew gave me a ride. He’s is still here.
KIKI: What? Ethylene, you be careful with him …
ETHYLENE: Not to worry. I’m witnessing to him.
KIKI: Witnessing? You mean, as in, ‘I like to watch’?
ETHYLENE: No, no. We’re talking about the bible.
KIKI: Oh. Really. Wow. OK, then. See you tomorrow.
[Kiki hangs up, dumbfounded.]
KIKI: She’s already at the hotel. Looks like we have the place to ourselves.
WOJO: Meerowww!
KIKI: Woje, don’t do that anymore, OK?
WOJO: OK.
KIKI: Spritzer?
WOJO: Sure, why not. Tonight I’m breaking all the rules.
KIKI: On second thought, let’s skip the spritzers. No telling when Coach K will burst through that door.
WOJO: You’re doing this sober?
KIKI: Why not? I feel crazy tonight! Let’s get naked.
[9 seconds later.]
KIKI: Hey, is that a tattoo on your shoulder?
WOJO: Yeah. It’s nothing.
KIKI: No, let me see. C’mon. Oh my …
Tomorrow: More crazy hijinks. Hilarity ensues.
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PART 23
[Kiki and Wojo in Kiki’s room]
KIKI: Let me see that tattoo on your shoulder. It’s so tiny. What is it? … It’s a face. … Omigod, it’s Coach K’s face! Isn’t it?
WOJO: Yes. Yes, it is.
KIKI: That’s so cool! Where did you get that? I want one!
WOJO: You like it? Most girls don’t like it … I mean … you know. They see it when they see me wearing a tank top and stuff.
KIKI: I love it. I can’t think of a better way to mutilate oneself – you know, except for breast implants of course. I mean … for girls who need implants. … Not me.
WOJO: I’m glad you don’t think it’s dorky. Chris and I were drunk one night and … well, you know the story. How about you? No tattoos for you, then?
KIKI: Why don’t you come over here and inspect me? See for yourself.
WOJO: Meerow … I mean, don’t mind of I do.
[Loud banging at the door. Muffled voice of Johnny Dawkins.]
DAWKINS: Wojo! You in there?
[silence]
DAWKINS: I know you’re in there. I traced your tag to this room.
WOJO: Da m n!
DAWKINS: Sorry Wojo. Coach says it’s an emergency. It’s Operation Mind[bleep]. He says to bring Kiki.
[Meanwhile, back at tent city]
VANESSA: Chip, I’m so glad we could right the wrong of last night.
CHIP: YOU’RE glad. Little Chip is ecstatic. … Hey, this is a great sleeping bag you’ve got here. Is it L.L.Bean?
VANESSA: Hammacher-Schlemmer. See those zipper pockets down by your knee? Open one.
CHIP: Wow. Let’s see. There’s a Palm Pilot … capers … a GPS system … swiss army knife … clothes steamer … anti-static cling spray … French dictionary … You’ve got everything in here.
VANESSA: Yeah. These are great. Care for a spritzer?
CHIP: No, I’ve got to get dressed and go pick up our cheer sheets. I’ll study them, and then come back later to fill you in.
VANESSA: Ooo, I love it when you talk dirty.
[A loud whisper from outside the tent.]
LAURANCE: Chip. Chip, are you in there?
CHIP: It sounds like Matthew Laurance.
[Chip pokes his head out of tent]
CHIP: What are you doing here? It’s late.
LAURANCE: I know. I need to talk to you.
[Chip throws on some clothes and steps outside.]
CHIP: What is it?
LAURANCE: Listen, I’ve got to go to a meeting with K. I want you to hang on to this for me.
CHIP: What is it?
LAURANCE: It’s that book of quotations from Coach Roy.
CHIP: Ethylene’s book? What are you doing with it?
LAURANCE: She let me borrow it. I want you to take it.
CHIP: What ever for?
LAURANCE: I’m not eligible for the radio contest, but you are. This book is “gold, Jerry! Pure gold!”
CHIP: What are you talking about? My name’s Chip.
LAURANCE: It’s full of examples of Roy referring to himself in the third person. And there are even more cases of him describing himself as “corny,” in that faux-apologetic way of his.
CHIP: So why give it to me?
LAURANCE: Well, I thought we could split the prize—all that free pizza.
CHIP: What do you need with pizza?
LAURANCE: Truth is, being the Duke radio guy doesn’t pay all that much. Even with the extra dough I pick up doing odd jobs for Project Mind … I mean, doing odd jobs around here, it’s not enough.
CHIP: But you were a big Hollywood star! I thought you made gobs of money and dated starlets and stuff.
LAURANCE: I did. But the only way I could get those people to hang out with me was to pick up the check every night at the Viper Room. It cleaned me out. Do you have any idea how expensive that is? We’re not just talking drinks and food here, if you catch my drift.
CHIP: I had no idea. Still, using this book to win the contest – is it ethical?
LAURANCE: What’s “ethical” mean?
CHIP: I mean, is this right? Does Ethylene know why you borrowed the book?
LAURANCE: No. She thinks I’m actually interested in Royisms … you know, for their moral value or whatever. She says that they are a “moral cleanser,” and “bleach for the soul,” whatever that means.
CHIP: Aren’t you just using Ethylene, Matthew? It’s not right. You’re lying to her. You didn’t sleep with her, did you? … Matthew? Did you?
Tomorrow: (soap opera music) Will Chip and Matthew betray Ethylene?
PART 24
CHIP: Did you sleep with Ethylene?
LAURANCE: No. I wanted to, but she just kept reading from the Bible. I feel a little guilty about borrowing her book of Royisms. But I didn’t take advantage of her in any other way.
CHIP: I don’t feel right about using the book either. I’ve already found three Corny Royisms and two Third Person Royisms on my own. And I haven’t even gotten on lexis-nexis yet. I think I can win this contest fair and square.
LAURANCE: You’re right. I see that now. I’m just not good without a script.
CHIP: But I’ll tell you what? If I win I’ll slip you some pizza anyway.
LAURANCE: I’m so confused. I’m really starting to like Ethylene. But she thinks I’m going to h e l l for sure. … What a crazy world. … I’ll give her the book back first thing in the morning.
CHIP: Good boy.
[10 minutes later. Laurance enters the lair. Wojo, Kiki, Collins, Dawkins and K are already there. K strokes his fluffy white cat.]
COACH K: Good, Matt. You’re here.
LAURANCE: It’s Matthew, Coach.
[K gives Laurance a long, icy stare.]
COACH K: We had a close call yesterday, but thanks to Kiki’s quick thinking we were able to turn a near disaster to our advantage. She called the lair and we were able to control the damage. Good work Kiki.
KIKI: Thanks Coach.
COACH K: Once people realize just how often Roy Williams uses these little rhetorical devices of his to shape the public’s view of him, they will see that it’s just an affectation.
[Collins whispers to Wojo]
CHRIS: What? What are “rhetorical devices”?
WOJO: Word tricks.
CHRIS: What’s an “affectation”?
WOJO: I don’t know. A rash, I think.
COACH K: What are you two [bleeps] whispering about?
WOJO: Nothing Coach.
COACH K: And Chris, what the [bleep] are you wearing?
CHRIS: They’re my new big pants. I saw Seth wearing this look the other day and I thought it was totally b i t c h i n’.
[K looks questioningly at Johnny Dawkins, who silently shakes his head side to side.]
COACH K: Get rid of ‘em. You’re wearing regular pants from now on. As I was saying, the next step is to get the national media to pick up on this. I want ESPN, CNN, Fox, and every [bleeping] sports talk radio fathead in the country to be talking about “Royisms” by day after tomorrow. Johnny is handing out a dossier on …
CHRIS: Coach?
COACH K: Chris, a “dossier” means a file. This is a dossier on Roy Williams. I want to hear every sportscaster in the country talking about the expensive suits, the Lincoln Town Car, and everything else that contradicts the Huckleberry Hound image. Questions? Kiki?
KIKI: I didn’t get a dossier.
COACH K: That’s right. Since I have everyone else working on Project Mind[bleep], I want to keep you focused on Project BadKid. I want you to dig up dirt, innuendo, whatever you can find on the Carolina players for Matt to use on the radio. Remember last year? With Jason Capel? We want Matt to be able to say more of that kind of stuff on the air. Kiki, I want you to get to work with Bob Harris on this.
KIKI: But we don’t play Carolina for months.
COACH K: Kiki, this is CAROLINA. We can’t stop worrying about them ever, despite last year. They have a bright young staff, with Fred Turtlebaum and a pretty decent Wojo of their own. With the players they have coming in, it can’t hurt to kick them while they’re down. I want you to script out ways to casually slur Carolina players in our radio broadcasts. This is gonna take a lot of planning and care. It has to be very subtle, OK? You can do it. Questions? Chris?
COLLINS: What’s a ‘dossier’ again?
[Dawkins slaps Collins in the back of the head.]
COACH K: Let’s confab at tomorrow’s shoot around to discuss progress.
COLLINS: Coach …
COACH K: It means we’ll meet, Chris! All right?! ‘Confab’ means we’ll get together and MEET about this! [Bleep], will somebody buy him a [bleeping] dictionary?
Tomorrow: More Ethylene
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Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NOTE: This story ran in daily installments on the Inside Carolina (free) basketball message boards at insidecarolina.com, from October through early November, 2002. This story is a parody. It is not intended as a truthful representation of anyone or anything associated with the Duke basketball program. It is entirely fictional and is intended only for the amusement of Carolina fans, other rivals of Duke.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PART 20
[At the radio station.]
KIKI: Ethylene, how are you? How’s Up With Farmers coming?
ETHYLENE: Not very well. They threw rotten fruit at us yesterday at Chapel Hill High School.
KIKI: Kids that age can be cruel.
ETHYLENE: It was the teachers, actually.
KIKI: Barbarians. You’re just in time to hear me do a radio interview for the basketball team. Ethylene, Chip, this is Matthew Laurance. He’ll be co-host of the show, along with Bob Harris. Bob is in back getting his hair teased and sprayed. Matthew, this is my cousin Ethylene and my friend Chip.
ETHYLENE: Omigosh, aren’t you the guy from Beverly Hills 90210?
LAURANCE (smiling): Why yes I am, little lady. Are you a fan?
ETHYLENE: No. You will burn in he l l for that show! The fornication. The lying. The cleavage. The slapping. …
LAURANCE: Hey stop it, you’re getting me hot.
KIKI: Um, why don’t we move on into the studio.
[A minute later, in the studio]
LAURANCE: Chip and Ethel …
ETHYLENE: Ethylene.
LAURANCE: Whatever … why don’t you two sit here on the couch until the interview is finished. Oh, here’s Bob. Hair looks great, Bob. Bob, I’d like you to meet Kiki, our guest for today. And this is Kiki’s friend Chip and her cousin Merlene …
ETHYLENE: Ethylene.
HARRIS: Great to meet you folks. Kiki, you’re our representative Crazy for today. I’ll ask you the usual Crazy stuff. I’m sure you know to mention Coach K’s book, right?
KIKI: Yes.
HARRIS: And to avoid foul language, even when quoting K. And to try and emphasize the unique brilliance and clever jocularity of the Crazies as much as possible.
LAURANCE: Jocularity! Jocularity!
KIKI: Will do, Bob.
[on the air, midway through the half-hour show]
HARRIS: Gosh, what a delightful guest you are Kiki. If all Crazies were as charming and good looking as you, I’d go down to Kville more often.
KIKI: Thanks Bob.
HARRIS: A LOT more often.
KIKI: Um, thanks.
HARRIS: Yessirrree. How old are you anyway, Kiki?
LAURANCE: Bob.
HARRIS: Say, why don’t we bring you’re attractive cousin into the conversation.
[Look of panic on Kiki’s and Laurance’s faces]
LAURANCE: Um … are you sure we’ve got time Bob?
KIKI: Yeah, she’s kinda shy …
HARRIS: Nonsense. Put on those headphones little lady and tell us you’re name.
ETHYLENE: Ethylene.
HARRIS: Ethylene, lovely name. It’s Latvian, right?
LAURANCE: I’m guessing Serbian.
HARRIS: Or Crustacean.
ETHYLENE: No, no. It’s American.
HARRIS: Tell us Ethylene, are you a Crazy?
ETHYLENE: Oh, heavens no. I’m just visiting from Kansas. KU.
HARRIS: Roy Williams is doing great things out there at KU. How do you Kansans feel about Duke basketball?
ETHYLENE: Frankly, we in America's heartland are pretty sick of the ACC, and of all you easterners.
HARRIS: Oh. Why is that?
ETHYLENE: It's just that all we ever hear on ESPN is ‘Tobacco Road’ this, and ‘Duke’ that. We try to spread the good word of Roy and KU, but we’re constantly undermined by the national media.
HARRIS: Do tell.
ETHYLENE: But we think we have discovered a solution to the cultural contamination problem posed by ESPN.
HARRIS: What’s that?
ETHYLENE: A computer program that filters out words from television broadcasts. It’s very inexpensive and easy to use. We are very close to persuading the Kansas state legislature to enact a law requiring that all Kansas TV stations and cable networks use the filter on college basketball broadcasts, to filter out references to the ACC and Duke.
LAURANCE: That's ridiculous! You'll never get that passed.
ETHYLENE: Oh yeah? We got rid of the Theory of Evolution; we can get rid of the ACC. At least for Kansans. Frankly we don't like your citified, eastern ways. I'm just so thankful we have a coach whose strongest curse word is "dadgummit," with the occasional "Jiminy Crickets." Besides, I don't see how you people can cheer for any team whose mascot is Satan.
HARRIS: Actually, the Blue Devils were an elite French army unit in World War I …
ETHYLENE: Just because the French worship Satan doesn't mean Duke University should too.
[Awkward silence. Harris and Laurance fumble nervously. Kiki stands up, moves away from the microphone, and makes a hurried call on her cell phone.]
ETHYLENE: I carry a book of quotations from Coach Roy for inspiration, along with my bible of course. I think it would be good for your listeners to hear a few of them. Here’s a good one. “I’m as corny as the day is long …”
[Harris and Laurance sit dumbfounded as Ethylene reads one Roy Williams quote after another.]
Tomorrow: Has Ethylene ruined Kiki’s first big assignment for K?
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PART 21
[At the radio station. Ethylene continues reading Roy Williams quotations over the air as Kiki completes her cell phone call, and returns to the microphone with a look of determination on her face.]
ETHYLENE (still quoting Roy): “… It sounds corny but that's the way Roy Williams is." [sniff] That one always makes me cry, Bob.
KIKI: Ethylene, I’m curious. Is that a Kansas thing? Referring to yourself in the third person like that? I notice Bob Dole does it too.
ETHYLENE: Well Kiki, I don’t know …
KIKI: It gives me an idea. A contest for your listeners, Bob. We will provide two months of free pizza in Kville for the Cameron Crazy who can find the most quotations in which Roy Williams refers to himself in the third person.
HARRIS: We will?
KIKI: Yes, we will Bob. We’ll call them “Third person Royisms,” and you score one point for each Third Person Royism you find.
[Laurance elbows Harris, and nods affirmatively.]
HARRIS: Um … great idea Kiki. So the Crazies have to find examples where Roy says “Roy” instead of “I” or “me”.
KIKI: Yes.
HARRIS: Like Don King. Or Elmo on Sesame Street.
KIKI: Exactly.
LAURANCE: Or Homey the Clown!
KIKI: What?
LAURANCE: Homey the Clown is always saying, ‘Homey don’t play that.’
[Everyone else in the studio stares blankly at Laurance]
KIKI: And Bob, why don’t we offer another prize – free pizza again – to the crazy who can come up with the most quotations in which Roy – let’s make it anyone from KU -- describes “Roy” as corny. We’ll call those “Corny Royisms.”
ETHYLENE: What?!
KIKI: You know, as in “I’m sorry. It may sound corny but we don’t believe in murder here at Kansas.” Or, “You may think it’s corny, but we think kindness is good.” That sort of thing.
HARRIS: So, for example, if Roy said, “Dadgummit, I’m sorry, but Roy Williams is jes’ plain corny,” you could use that sentence in both contests, right? That would be a Third Person Royism AND a “Corny Royism,” if I am not mistaken.
KIKI: Exactly!
ETHYLENE: You people will burn.
LAURANCE: C’mon Crazies, go find those Royisms! How hard can it be? I’ve never seen Roy step in front of a microphone when he DIDN’T say something like that.
HARRIS: Time to scour the internet and the newspapers and win some free pizza! Get your entries in before tipoff of the Stetson game, and we’ll announce the winner at halftime. Here’s how to submit your entries. Go to our web site …
[Ethylene frowns. Quiet high fives for Kiki as Harris wraps up the show.]
CHIP (whispering in Kiki’s ear): Great save!
[Later, walking out of the radio station toward Kiki’s Escalade]
KIKI: Ethylene, what are you doing? I’m responsible for promoting Duke basketball, not tearing it down. Lots of people listen to that show and now my reputation is ensmirched … or whatever.
ETHYLENE: He asked me a question! I cannot tell a lie. Besides, your coach IS a blasphemer.
LAURANCE: Hey, wait up! Kiki! Lurelene!
ETHYLENE: It’s Ethylene.
LAURANCE: Right. Sorry. Listen, Ethylene. No hard feelings back there?
ETHYLENE: Certainly not. Only God can judge.
LAURANCE: Or make a tree, right?
[Laurance laughs loudly; more blank stares]
LAURANCE: So what are you two doing for dinner?
KIKI: I’ve got to go meet my new tent mates. Then I’m having dinner with Wojo.
LAURANCE: Are you free Ethylene?
ETHYLENE: Dinner with you? You’ve fornicated on TV.
LAURANCE: I’d really like to hear more about Up With Farmers. And Kansas. … And The Word … from Coach Roy, I mean.
[Kiki looks suspiciously at Laurance]
ETHYLENE: Well, I guess Jesus went to the lepers, didn’t he?
LAURANCE: I really wouldn’t know. Is that a yes?
ETHYLENE: All right.
KIKI: OK, Ethylene. But let’s meet my dorm room at 8:00, OK? Then I’ll take you back to your hotel from there.
LAURANCE: I’ll make sure she gets there.
Next week: The final week of Kiki. How many Royisms will the Crazies find? Play along at home! Are Matthew’s intentions toward Ethylene honorable? Will Kiki and Wojo ever consummate their lust?
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PART 22
[Early evening. Kiki and Wojo walking through west campus after dinner.]
KIKI: Thanks for dinner Woje. I’ve never eaten at that particular Steak and Ale before. It was superb.
WOJO: Yes. Their surf and turf is excellent. And I love those mini marshmallows on the salad bar.
[Silence. Kiki takes Wojo’s arm.]
KIKI: I love the Gothic Wonderland in the evening. It’s so romantic. I like the way the evening light reflects off of all the different colored beemers.
WOJO: Yeah. Sometimes late at night I go to the Bryan Center, and sneak into one of the big auditoriums, and pretend I’m Coach K giving a speech to a large corporate crowd.
KIKI: That’s so cute.
WOJO: Yeah. I always get a fictional standing ovation and a curtain call. With lighters and everything. …
KIKI: And a suitcase full of cash …
WOJO: Listen, Kiki. About last night.
KIKI: Yes?
WOJO: I’m sorry about the interruption. I hope you understand …
KIKI: Not a problem. I realize that you have to be available 24-7. That’s a good thing. It means you have a very important job. Like a doctor … or a priest … or campus security.
WOJO: I just wanted you to know that … Never mind.
KIKI: What? What is it?
WOJO: That you look really good with no clothes on.
KIKI: Thanks. I’m downright religious about my pilates.
[Silence.]
KIKI: Hey, there’s that guy we met the other day, standing outside that sorority party. Big Jim. Why is he walking back and forth holding up two fingers?
WOJO: He’s … um … probably trying to scalp two tickets to the Stetson game.
KIKI: Strange. I didn’t realize those tickets were in such demand.
WOJO: [nervous laugh]
KIKI: Oh, here’s my dorm. Listen, I have to take my cousin back to her hotel. But …
WOJO: Yes?
KIKI: Maybe you can come along, and then we can come back to my room and … pick up where we left off.
WOJO: What about you’re roommate?
KIKI: She’s away all night.
WOJO: Well then … Meeerowww.
KIKI: What?
WOJO: I mean … hubba-hubba.
KIKI: Is that a yes?
WOJO: Yes.
[Entering Kiki’s dorm room.]
KIKI: Ethylene? … Ethylene? Hmmm. She should have been here by now. Matthew said he’d have her here by 8:00.
WOJO: Kiki, you shouldn’t trust Matthew with your cousin. He’s an actor. Sort of.
KIKI: I know, but you don’t know Ethylene. She’s tough. She can look out for herself. Just the same, I’d better call her hotel.
[on the phone]
ETHYLENE: Hello?
KIKI: Ethylene. Good, you’re at the hotel. How did it go?
ETHYLENE: Not bad. Matthew gave me a ride. He’s is still here.
KIKI: What? Ethylene, you be careful with him …
ETHYLENE: Not to worry. I’m witnessing to him.
KIKI: Witnessing? You mean, as in, ‘I like to watch’?
ETHYLENE: No, no. We’re talking about the bible.
KIKI: Oh. Really. Wow. OK, then. See you tomorrow.
[Kiki hangs up, dumbfounded.]
KIKI: She’s already at the hotel. Looks like we have the place to ourselves.
WOJO: Meerowww!
KIKI: Woje, don’t do that anymore, OK?
WOJO: OK.
KIKI: Spritzer?
WOJO: Sure, why not. Tonight I’m breaking all the rules.
KIKI: On second thought, let’s skip the spritzers. No telling when Coach K will burst through that door.
WOJO: You’re doing this sober?
KIKI: Why not? I feel crazy tonight! Let’s get naked.
[9 seconds later.]
KIKI: Hey, is that a tattoo on your shoulder?
WOJO: Yeah. It’s nothing.
KIKI: No, let me see. C’mon. Oh my …
Tomorrow: More crazy hijinks. Hilarity ensues.
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PART 23
[Kiki and Wojo in Kiki’s room]
KIKI: Let me see that tattoo on your shoulder. It’s so tiny. What is it? … It’s a face. … Omigod, it’s Coach K’s face! Isn’t it?
WOJO: Yes. Yes, it is.
KIKI: That’s so cool! Where did you get that? I want one!
WOJO: You like it? Most girls don’t like it … I mean … you know. They see it when they see me wearing a tank top and stuff.
KIKI: I love it. I can’t think of a better way to mutilate oneself – you know, except for breast implants of course. I mean … for girls who need implants. … Not me.
WOJO: I’m glad you don’t think it’s dorky. Chris and I were drunk one night and … well, you know the story. How about you? No tattoos for you, then?
KIKI: Why don’t you come over here and inspect me? See for yourself.
WOJO: Meerow … I mean, don’t mind of I do.
[Loud banging at the door. Muffled voice of Johnny Dawkins.]
DAWKINS: Wojo! You in there?
[silence]
DAWKINS: I know you’re in there. I traced your tag to this room.
WOJO: Da m n!
DAWKINS: Sorry Wojo. Coach says it’s an emergency. It’s Operation Mind[bleep]. He says to bring Kiki.
[Meanwhile, back at tent city]
VANESSA: Chip, I’m so glad we could right the wrong of last night.
CHIP: YOU’RE glad. Little Chip is ecstatic. … Hey, this is a great sleeping bag you’ve got here. Is it L.L.Bean?
VANESSA: Hammacher-Schlemmer. See those zipper pockets down by your knee? Open one.
CHIP: Wow. Let’s see. There’s a Palm Pilot … capers … a GPS system … swiss army knife … clothes steamer … anti-static cling spray … French dictionary … You’ve got everything in here.
VANESSA: Yeah. These are great. Care for a spritzer?
CHIP: No, I’ve got to get dressed and go pick up our cheer sheets. I’ll study them, and then come back later to fill you in.
VANESSA: Ooo, I love it when you talk dirty.
[A loud whisper from outside the tent.]
LAURANCE: Chip. Chip, are you in there?
CHIP: It sounds like Matthew Laurance.
[Chip pokes his head out of tent]
CHIP: What are you doing here? It’s late.
LAURANCE: I know. I need to talk to you.
[Chip throws on some clothes and steps outside.]
CHIP: What is it?
LAURANCE: Listen, I’ve got to go to a meeting with K. I want you to hang on to this for me.
CHIP: What is it?
LAURANCE: It’s that book of quotations from Coach Roy.
CHIP: Ethylene’s book? What are you doing with it?
LAURANCE: She let me borrow it. I want you to take it.
CHIP: What ever for?
LAURANCE: I’m not eligible for the radio contest, but you are. This book is “gold, Jerry! Pure gold!”
CHIP: What are you talking about? My name’s Chip.
LAURANCE: It’s full of examples of Roy referring to himself in the third person. And there are even more cases of him describing himself as “corny,” in that faux-apologetic way of his.
CHIP: So why give it to me?
LAURANCE: Well, I thought we could split the prize—all that free pizza.
CHIP: What do you need with pizza?
LAURANCE: Truth is, being the Duke radio guy doesn’t pay all that much. Even with the extra dough I pick up doing odd jobs for Project Mind … I mean, doing odd jobs around here, it’s not enough.
CHIP: But you were a big Hollywood star! I thought you made gobs of money and dated starlets and stuff.
LAURANCE: I did. But the only way I could get those people to hang out with me was to pick up the check every night at the Viper Room. It cleaned me out. Do you have any idea how expensive that is? We’re not just talking drinks and food here, if you catch my drift.
CHIP: I had no idea. Still, using this book to win the contest – is it ethical?
LAURANCE: What’s “ethical” mean?
CHIP: I mean, is this right? Does Ethylene know why you borrowed the book?
LAURANCE: No. She thinks I’m actually interested in Royisms … you know, for their moral value or whatever. She says that they are a “moral cleanser,” and “bleach for the soul,” whatever that means.
CHIP: Aren’t you just using Ethylene, Matthew? It’s not right. You’re lying to her. You didn’t sleep with her, did you? … Matthew? Did you?
Tomorrow: (soap opera music) Will Chip and Matthew betray Ethylene?
PART 24
CHIP: Did you sleep with Ethylene?
LAURANCE: No. I wanted to, but she just kept reading from the Bible. I feel a little guilty about borrowing her book of Royisms. But I didn’t take advantage of her in any other way.
CHIP: I don’t feel right about using the book either. I’ve already found three Corny Royisms and two Third Person Royisms on my own. And I haven’t even gotten on lexis-nexis yet. I think I can win this contest fair and square.
LAURANCE: You’re right. I see that now. I’m just not good without a script.
CHIP: But I’ll tell you what? If I win I’ll slip you some pizza anyway.
LAURANCE: I’m so confused. I’m really starting to like Ethylene. But she thinks I’m going to h e l l for sure. … What a crazy world. … I’ll give her the book back first thing in the morning.
CHIP: Good boy.
[10 minutes later. Laurance enters the lair. Wojo, Kiki, Collins, Dawkins and K are already there. K strokes his fluffy white cat.]
COACH K: Good, Matt. You’re here.
LAURANCE: It’s Matthew, Coach.
[K gives Laurance a long, icy stare.]
COACH K: We had a close call yesterday, but thanks to Kiki’s quick thinking we were able to turn a near disaster to our advantage. She called the lair and we were able to control the damage. Good work Kiki.
KIKI: Thanks Coach.
COACH K: Once people realize just how often Roy Williams uses these little rhetorical devices of his to shape the public’s view of him, they will see that it’s just an affectation.
[Collins whispers to Wojo]
CHRIS: What? What are “rhetorical devices”?
WOJO: Word tricks.
CHRIS: What’s an “affectation”?
WOJO: I don’t know. A rash, I think.
COACH K: What are you two [bleeps] whispering about?
WOJO: Nothing Coach.
COACH K: And Chris, what the [bleep] are you wearing?
CHRIS: They’re my new big pants. I saw Seth wearing this look the other day and I thought it was totally b i t c h i n’.
[K looks questioningly at Johnny Dawkins, who silently shakes his head side to side.]
COACH K: Get rid of ‘em. You’re wearing regular pants from now on. As I was saying, the next step is to get the national media to pick up on this. I want ESPN, CNN, Fox, and every [bleeping] sports talk radio fathead in the country to be talking about “Royisms” by day after tomorrow. Johnny is handing out a dossier on …
CHRIS: Coach?
COACH K: Chris, a “dossier” means a file. This is a dossier on Roy Williams. I want to hear every sportscaster in the country talking about the expensive suits, the Lincoln Town Car, and everything else that contradicts the Huckleberry Hound image. Questions? Kiki?
KIKI: I didn’t get a dossier.
COACH K: That’s right. Since I have everyone else working on Project Mind[bleep], I want to keep you focused on Project BadKid. I want you to dig up dirt, innuendo, whatever you can find on the Carolina players for Matt to use on the radio. Remember last year? With Jason Capel? We want Matt to be able to say more of that kind of stuff on the air. Kiki, I want you to get to work with Bob Harris on this.
KIKI: But we don’t play Carolina for months.
COACH K: Kiki, this is CAROLINA. We can’t stop worrying about them ever, despite last year. They have a bright young staff, with Fred Turtlebaum and a pretty decent Wojo of their own. With the players they have coming in, it can’t hurt to kick them while they’re down. I want you to script out ways to casually slur Carolina players in our radio broadcasts. This is gonna take a lot of planning and care. It has to be very subtle, OK? You can do it. Questions? Chris?
COLLINS: What’s a ‘dossier’ again?
[Dawkins slaps Collins in the back of the head.]
COACH K: Let’s confab at tomorrow’s shoot around to discuss progress.
COLLINS: Coach …
COACH K: It means we’ll meet, Chris! All right?! ‘Confab’ means we’ll get together and MEET about this! [Bleep], will somebody buy him a [bleeping] dictionary?
Tomorrow: More Ethylene
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Parts 1-5 are at http://www.kiki1-5.blogspot.com
Parts 6-10 are at http://www.kiki6-10.blogspot.com
Parts 11-15 are at http://www.kiki11-15.blogspot.com
Parts 16-19 are at http://www.kiki16-19.blogspot.com
Parts 20-24 are at http://www.kiki20-24.blogspot.com
Parts 25-27 are at http://www.kiki-finale.blogspot.com
NewOldGuy
